Strange Days

Pain is real today.

My heart aches for those who are suffering. It pains me to think of shell-shocked people just trying to eke by without hatred trying to ruin their lives. I cringe when I think of miscreant people vying for titles that once held honor. I am stultified to think that my people and culture could ever be once thought as ‘noble.’

I know I’m not in singular company in these thoughts. I am just one of those who accept the reality that there has been a denigration in what I thought ‘American’ was. I am ashamed of what we have become as a society.


Fear-mongering has become trade.
Ignorance has become export.
Violence has become industry.



Still, I sit in my small corner of the world wondering how it will ever end in peaceful resolution and knowing it will not. All I can do is try to understand the pain and let it pass through me in acknowledgment.

All I can do is try to make a better place in my sphere of control.

Here.

Now.

Yes, the pain is real today and a black cloud hovers over my mind in trying to accept that this will not last forever. There will be a time when we do not have to suffer the indigence of the falsified righteousness of barkers as they try to sway our attention from the midway.

One day we will be able to smile at the people trying to entice us into their way of thinking and simply say, “No, thank you anyway,” and move along in peace.  

Serendipity

The morning breaks with your scent mingled with coffee. Darkness fades with your sleepy smile. It is more than pheromones. It is more that caffeine.

It is the moment that all is right and all the suffering I've been through washes away. It is the sudden realization there is no past or future.

There is only now.

Considering Consumption

It's sometimes difficult to see the ways and means of our wanderings.

Often the path is winding and overgrown. There are valleys and hills. There are tunnels and bridges. The steel may be warped and the wood could be unstable. There are bends and lonley straightaways.

Still, if I allow myself to sit in great fear, I too will be become encased in mossy green only too happy to be disolved and consumed.

A Fleeting Moment

I saw her there out of the corner of my eye. A mere mote of dust shaped into a ghost.

Silent.

Slow.

Sentient.

Turning, she glanced at me as if to ask if I were coming along. What choice did I have, really?

From Stone to Flesh

In the past, I spoke about change and the difficulties that can arise from being stationary. I’ve detailed out how, I specifically, should be tuned to my surroundings and how I should notice when to contemplate and when to take action. I’ve written the words showing my understanding of the necessity of change and how it spawns evolution and breeds adaptability.

Yet, for the majority of this year, I have been metaphorically (and sometimes literally) sitting. Mainly, I’ve been sitting in indecision. I’ve been taking no action other than to think of the possible pathways. I’ve been aging in that time rather than learning.

There has been few words written. Those that have been are edits from the past. There has been little in the way of self-discovery. There has been less in ways and means of physical exercise (or mental for that matter) than there should have been.

Creatively, I’ve been dying a slow death trying to remember past greatness and wondering why these former accomplishments have not been able to move me forward. While it is good to use these past glories as stepping stones, one cannot hope to keep living on past accomplishments and still be moving forward.

Newness needs to be sought out. Not for newness’ sake, but instead for fresh ideas and viewpoints. Thought models and connections need to be experienced and made. In short, the path needs to be walked rather than by sitting.

It needs to be done despite want.

It needs to be done despite ego.

It needs to be done despite fear.

My sedentary lifestyle has infected my mind and has clogged me up. The day job is like many others, sedentary with multiple cycles of repetition. This, however should not be how I define myself.

Once again, I find that I have opened my eyes to find that months have passed by me without meaningful gain. I find that I have not progressed on former goals or have set new ones.

Instead of dedicating my life to the decision, I need to start to take action. This is part of it. This simple act of describing what I want is the first step. I know that I’ve been here at this first step for ages.

It is time to move the bag of bones and generate power.

#InternationalCatDay

Love in Sestet

In the summer’s wind and fire and subsequent floods and rain,
I sat with a weather eye and contemplated again.
It wasn’t disharmony nor with hatred or discord,
It was in light remembrance of a day we could afford
The blooming crush most unseen of lakes and sand and wetness.
I still see your smiling face from the shore chilled and breathless.

A hazy aura around reflecting the morning light
Could only be seen as truth, could only be seen as right.
We were there in that moment, not caring about the day.
It could be said of us then, “How now? The couple is gay,
And light and carefree. Ah youth!” Yet, I see the tremors now.
In use of retrospection, I see the ebb of time flow.

It came without warning then, planning to consume us all.
Bargaining was our defense against what held us in thrall.
I could not bear to give up. I chose not to see you die.
I had no other choice then, it was a matter of pride.
It was not about boredom, or the adventurous thoughts,
It was about survival. All could not be lost for naught.

My soul and service for trade is what bought our people life.
Still, I hold the memory hidden as I guide His strife.
Consumption and entropy: His tools for eternity
None, I’ve seen, can withstand Him, He has no fraternity,
Nor equal, nor master, He. His is a hunger constant.
What I do is for Zenn-La, for life, for love now dormant.

I shall not usurp control. I shall continue onward.
My destiny is written. The path will not be altered.
To keep you living in peace was the yoke I chose to bear
Yet here, alone in the stars, watching Him is a nightmare.
His furnaces burn out life burning, stinging and caustic
It only serves Him too well, death for the Power Cosmic.

Fate has shown me a new path. It has led me to power
Beyond what I should have known, beyond what should have flowered.
Its blooms holding worlds within and unknown realities
Without which I could not see how to change His expertise.
I have it now, the Gauntlet, embedded stones now shining.
I am the Master of Worlds, power bends to my pining.

Tethered no longer to Him, I succumb to you once more.
A happy recreation brings you again to the shore.
Shivering, smiling, and pale, I feel your warmth close to me.
Each holds onto the other in serene blissful ecstasy.
I know this is not a dream, my mind now ironclad,
You my Empress, Shaila-Bal, I your humble Norrin Radd.

Glass Wings

Glass wings shivering in anticipation
Meeting the new day with trepidation
Knowing what is needed in preparation
Flying lightly, as always, in exaltation

This.

This.

This is frustration. It is a culmination of not following the right actions. It is me being led by my ego. It is representative of gaining 3 pounds overnight. It is the (already learned) lesson not to eat an entire 15” pizza for lunch.

This is a blood glucose level of 247 mg/dL registered about a half-hour after taking my meds. This is the knowledge that I will be fasting for most of the morning to try to bring this back into balance.

This is my own fault.

This is the realization that I’ve taken two steps forward and one step back. This is the knowledge that I have to pick myself back up and move ahead. This is the face when I have to forgive myself for making the choice to blow off my health for the day. This is me getting back on track.

This is me being one of several people who have to repeatedly learn this lesson. This is all in the past and I need to not bring it into the future. This is me trying to recite a mantra of stern caring to myself. This is a gloriously human error and the realization that I have to do better for myself.

This is not most days.

This was want. This was egotism. This was a child acting in a man’s body. This is feeling normal when your body is sick. This is wrongful thought in action.

This is part of the darkness that I hold on to when there is little light to see by. This is the broken and stained pathway that I’ve traveled. This is the invisible shadows lurching into the light to drag me backwards.

This.

Seeing

What is it that you see?

Could it be the heresy that you choose to believe? Do you see the right things at the right time? Do you see through the obstacles? A way around them? Do you sit and ponder a different path in order to circumvent the problem?

I’m not sure what I see anymore. My life is fluid in its monotony. There are things that are changing within me, within my sphere of control, but overall society has not fostered what I am choosing to see.

I see the kindness in humanity through spoken word and prose. I also see the passions that are, from my point of view, somewhat misguided. I see powerful belief and piety. I also see the radical arms of these ideologies and how they can turn the common man into a venomous beast.

There is a median. Often it is tempered with silence and meditation. Often it is overlooked.

To many others red is simply red, blue is simply blue. The variations don’t seem to come up in these speeches and acts. We live in a world that has much variation and color, yet many leaders choose to only see a few of these colors.

Colorblind, they continue to build and collect like-minded individuals. They seize the control of hearts and minds. They are sure that theirs is the only solution. Theirs is the only true path towards resolution of conflict. Theirs is the only road to peace and enlightenment.

The spiderweb is cast and built along many lines. It is anchored from a variety of points. It is held together through tenacious work. Oftentimes, it is in partnership that a cluster of spiders succeeds in capturing larger prey.

For me, the same holds true for ideas. In working together, we can capture and explore larger ideas. We can compare ideals from different cultures and adapt and go forward. We can become better through discussion and understanding.

I see that there is a better way.