The above is for the ones who don’t really get why I post things. They choose to see me in a linearly defined role. They have me branded as, “geek” or “sci-fi nerd” or “curmudgeon” or any other various names with severe stigma attached. Frankly, I’m tired of being branded as such.
I may have aspects of all of these descriptors. I may choose to show myself as one or more of them at any given point in a day. That is my prerogative as a living being that is capable of thought and emotion.
All of this shouldn’t be affecting me as it is, but the sad fact of it all is that it does. It is a bubbling mass of insecurity that has long been roiling underneath my skin for many years. I’m more than the “old man” or “the dreamer.” I’m not just the “failure” or “step-father.”
I’m not just the “villain” that I’m portrayed to be at times.
I know that these are the facets that are seen. I’m keenly aware of that fact. I’m aware that I’m often unliked and unwanted at particular functions. I’m overwhelmed with that sentiment every time conversation comes up and my input is often not heard or disregarded. You’ve shown me on more than one occasion where I have nothing to offer that is praiseworthy or needing of comment.
Yes, I got the message some time ago. This is why I rarely try to speak anymore when we all gather. I’m not as stupid as I look, folks.
I do not ask for your attention anymore. I get the fact that my passions are my own and do not carry any weight with you. I found it somewhat insulting when one of you told me that you’re, “just not into sci-fi” not realizing that I write more than sci-fi. I found it heart-wrenching when another of you simply avoided my obvious need with a simple, “I can’t read.” Still another just makes fun of me because there was a lack of understanding on their part in the words I choose to use.
Yeah, that one stung a bit.
So, I don’t extend myself or share my deepest thoughts with you anymore. I have opened myself up and bled for all of you for too long. I have forgiven many of these trespasses against me. I’m sure I will work up to the ones that have cut me deepest in time. I’m sure that you are doing the same for what I have done and have allegedly done.
Many will understand what I’m talking about, some may not – and that’s all right. As I said, I’m more than what I appear. I just carry the brands that folks have given me. While I can try to peel them off like dead flesh, they are still there.
I cannot change minds. I can only be who I am.
2 comments:
Some of the responses you have received, whether from online or offline people, are obviously coming from a place of ignorance on their part, which is sad and frustrating.
I would say to ignore it, but I know that is not easy.
Thanks, John.
No, not that easy at times. It's been picking at me for a bit.
:)
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