I Write Things

I would like to say that I’m at the point with my writings that I don’t care what the public thinks. It’s a lie, of course, but I’d like to have that confidence.

I’d like to have my writings be looked at and understood to be meaningful in some way. I know that is not always going to be the case. I mean, they’re meaningful to me, and that’s important, but I’d also like to know that they’re helping others to think and bridge a gap somewhere. I know that’s my ego talking too (as supervised by my id in the need/want).

Too often, I throw my words up here and watch to see what sticks. A couple members of what has been coined as my ‘fan club’ are truly supportive of what I do. I cannot thank them enough. They take my thoughts seriously and recognize that there is true effort in what I do. It helps that they both write as well and understand the pains I go through.

There is little commentary on the work I provide from others though. I can only assume that they think the work is shoddy or it is not connecting with them. I would ask my family, but they also do not read my work, and to be quite frank, I’m tired of asking them to do so. I feel like I’m begging and that’s just not me. I’m not sure what they think. If I think about that too long, it hurts.

So, I go onward and put up things I find are worthy of public consumption. I put effort into writing the things I want to read. I put myself out there in metaphor and allegory and thought. But, so do many other creative people. I am one of many who do so.

At this late time in my life, I am of full realization that the culmination of any dream I have of making a true living (even becoming an international success) off of my work is laughable and even naïve. Still, there is hope, there is want, and there is desire, ephemeral as it may be.

There are going to be those who say to me, “Don’t let your dreams die...” Yes, I understand that the vision I keep is more important than the current reality of the situation. I thank you for your sentiment. If you like what I write, please share it. Please talk about it. Please tell me about it in some way.

There are also going to be a few who may say, “You can do it, look at me! I was XX years old and I finally broke through…” I agree! That is a bonafide success and I’m proud of you for doing so. Perhaps when I’m XX age, I’ll do the same. Perhaps it will take me a little bit longer as I have no marketing strategy other than word of mouth.

I’ve taken to adopting a more Buddhist/Taoist mentality towards all of it. It helps to keep me sane. If success comes, it comes. If success does not come, it does not.

I know that with every piece of work I put out, I get better. I learn more about myself and the craft. I learn the rules so I know how to break them (as displayed in my current poetry schemes).  I think I would like to keep studying story structure and possibly essays, but I’m currently in a happy place with the poetry and smattering of flash fiction that I write.

I still have plans to keep moving forward, don’t get me wrong. I’m trying not to stress about it – trying. There are times when an extreme melancholy hits me because I’m just a lone voice amid a cacophony of sound. I sometimes feel that I’m contributing to the chaos rather than providing relief.

I recognize the emotion and know it’s mostly a false front and a manifestation of fear. I get this. I know it will pass. I know I need to keep writing during these times. It’s the only way out. If I let it run over me, I find myself in a morass that is difficult to shake off. These are the times when I’m at my most vulnerable because the depression has a cascading effect on my person as well.

In these times, nothing is good and nothing matters. My upkeep goes to shit and I drift into a place where the light of day is more a grey wash that has momentary flashes of brilliance. It’s a place I don’t like terribly much. It’s not useful in the least except to manufacture more splintered fears and see myself as a failure.

Lately, I’m on an upswing. I push to write every day. I push to not take feedback too critically. I push to maintain calm and be happier than I was the day before. When I do fail, I know it will pass. I know it will not last forever, nothing does.

I try not to have too many lofty expectations of myself. I’m just a guy who knows how to use a keyboard. Sometimes wonderful things come out. Sometimes they’re awful. My goal is to draw strength from the characters and situations I write about and share that strength with others. My goal, as always, is to make a difference and let people know that they matter.

Like Diogenes, I’m trying to shine the light in the dark place to find the truth. Truth about me, the world, and everything else that I may decide to investigate. The sad part is that sometimes the truth is terrible. Sometimes it is overwhelming. Sometimes it is as black as pitch. Sometimes it is fear disguising itself as truth.

Life is tricky like that and sometimes I’m not so clever. What’s meaningful about it though is recognizing how I’ve changed whenever I go through the process. I can see the changes in how I tell my stories.

I hope you can do the same.