This.

This.

This is frustration. It is a culmination of not following the right actions. It is me being led by my ego. It is representative of gaining 3 pounds overnight. It is the (already learned) lesson not to eat an entire 15” pizza for lunch.

This is a blood glucose level of 247 mg/dL registered about a half-hour after taking my meds. This is the knowledge that I will be fasting for most of the morning to try to bring this back into balance.

This is my own fault.

This is the realization that I’ve taken two steps forward and one step back. This is the knowledge that I have to pick myself back up and move ahead. This is the face when I have to forgive myself for making the choice to blow off my health for the day. This is me getting back on track.

This is me being one of several people who have to repeatedly learn this lesson. This is all in the past and I need to not bring it into the future. This is me trying to recite a mantra of stern caring to myself. This is a gloriously human error and the realization that I have to do better for myself.

This is not most days.

This was want. This was egotism. This was a child acting in a man’s body. This is feeling normal when your body is sick. This is wrongful thought in action.

This is part of the darkness that I hold on to when there is little light to see by. This is the broken and stained pathway that I’ve traveled. This is the invisible shadows lurching into the light to drag me backwards.

This.