Waking Up

Epiphanic thoughts seem to happen at random times.

Lately, as I’ve been coming to terms with my Diabetes, things are becoming clearer. The clarity did not come from some obtuse pilgrimage or other fantastic trial by fire that I went through. It was just something that happened when I was allowed to deal with everything that was going on.

A year ago (nearly to the day) I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. The common story for anyone who has been diagnosed with a serious illness is that their life had irrevocably changed. Well, it did and I was in a very dark dispassionate uncertain place for the last year or so. I am just starting to see my pathway out of that mire.

In November, I changed my job. This was the first step towards a lighter path. I changed employment because where I was at was only conducive towards those blackened and negative emotions, feelings and headspace.

It has taken me from then until now to start to clear out the Mites of Madness feeding the fear from Diabetes and a dead-end job and move towards a place where I could enjoy feeling and being who I was.

I gotta be me.

The new job actually treats me as a human being instead of a cog in a machine. I am appreciated. I am needed. I have window that lets the sunshine in during the morning and early afternoon. I have a desk that I don’t have to hot-swap with anyone else. I can keep a picture of my wife on my desk without worrying about other hands possibly disturbing it.

Like a wounded animal, I still remain silent during the day and sit at my desk without venturing too far. It’s an interesting feeling that I’m feeling, akin to waking up after a long and dreary nightmare. I don’t have the extreme hatred and nausea that I used to have when I entered my workspace.

This leads me to the epiphany.

I used to write to escape. It was a forced and detailed work that I did. I put too much stock in the opinions and thoughts of EVERYONE else instead of me. Who was I writing for? It was those folks. I was trying to supplant the lack of respect and praise in my former workspace with the pleasant words of a scant few readers.

As you may surmise, it didn’t work.

I’m reminded of a zen story that seems to accurately describe how I’m feeling.

One day, soon after his enlightenment, the Buddha was walking toward a man who, while not knowing who he was, could see that there was something different about him. The man came closer and asked the Buddha:

"Are you a god?"
"No," The Buddha replied
"Are you a magician, then? A sorcerer?"
"No."
"Are you an angel? Some sort of celestial being?"
The Buddha again answered, "No."
"What are you then?" the man asked.
The Buddha replied: "I am awake."

Yeah, I am awake and now can see when the epiphanies happen.

I have the power.

Now what to do with it? To start, I'm going to write for me. If you like what you read, let me know, or don't. If you don't like what you read, let me know, or don't.

I'm still going to write it anyway because writer's write.